God, schmod, I don’t want a monkey-man

A monkey is not a good solution to empty-nest syndrome. No, not even if your monkey is in $500 clothes.

Many self-described “monkey people” don’t dare call them pets. They are playfully referred to as “monkids” and reared in a world of pierced ears, monogrammed clothes, a seat at the dinner table and their own bedrooms.

Oh, except for when they become violent at sexual maturity.

Little Buddie went everywhere with one couple, including trips to sit on a mall Santa’s lap. When Buddie started biting, though, neither owner felt safe, Bagnall said. A biting attack by the second monkey, Vinny Jr., sent his owner to the hospital.

Some owners go to great lengths to force their critters to behave, Bagnall and animal-rights activists said. Some pull out the animals’ teeth. One monkey arrived at Jungle Friends with a clipped tail — because it got in the way of diapering. Others come in with health problems stemming from too much junk food and not enough sun.

I was going to make this a funny entry – because, hey, “monkids” is hilarious. But then I started to get mad. Just think all the good these disturbed people could have done if they spent all that time and energy on foster children instead of traumatizing a monkey.

There’s abundant evidence that monkeys treated like people end up as poorly socialized, mentally ill monkeys. A book just came out about Nim Chimpsky, the chimp who was raised in a New York brownstone due to a bet with Noam Chomsky. Guess what? The chimp came to a sad end, still not human. Likewise, the chimps used in show business are raised like people, but only have a few years of cuteness before they become too aggressive and are sent away to do they best they can at learning how to be chimps. (Here’s a This American Life segment on a chimpanzee sanctuary for them.) “Monkids” should absolutely be outlawed.

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5 Responses to God, schmod, I don’t want a monkey-man

  1. Nafe says:

    I think man’s interactions with primates have been pretty universally disgraceful. The Nim Chimpsky thing had me pretty upset too.

    But it all comes down to society’s attitudes towards pet ownership, doesn’t it? People just assume they have a right to own these animals and treat them anyway they find convenient.

    My roomies eventually had to forbid me from watching animal planet because any given episode of Animal Cops would leave me either weeping or in a violent rage.

  2. James says:

    Love the picture. There is no question which of the three is smartest.

  3. kevin z says:

    Um… if they are clipping tails and pulling out teeth to monkeys, how do you think these freaks would treat a foster kid??

    Certain people shouldn’t have responsibilities like raising kids/pets. Period. Its just not for everyone

  4. Nafe – I wonder if the abusers and the people who think an animal is a person are two sides of the same coin. Each denies an animal its essential animal-ness.

    James – Yes, I love the way the monkey is looking right at the camera and gloating.

    Kevin – I was thinking of the silly empty-nesters with monogrammed monkey clothes and the abusive teeth-pulling people as different sets of people. But you are right- people who mistreat a monkey should not be allowed near children either.

  5. […] example is keeping dangerous wild animals as pets, especially if your plan is to surgically enfeeble them in an effort to increase your own safety.  I think the general rule here is that if you are […]

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